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This whole-body, visceral sensation of excitement and exhilaration is wonderful. I know I can't feel like this every day, but I am relishing every moment of being on edge and infatuated.
It took five dates. FIVE. I'd like to think of that as some sort of personal record. But when he finally kissed me, the fucking planets aligned.
He led into it with clues that it would probably happen soon, since Saturday night he met my friends and me for karaoke and afterwards as I hugged him goodbye he nibbled my ear and then kissed my throat...what a tease. So the next day, when he came over to spend the afternoon swimming with me, it was explosive.
I enjoy holding back, though. I never pictured myself appreciating stretching things out, but as we gradually layer increased amounts of intimacy I have all this time to indulge in what we've shared and can fantasize one degree higher. Yesterday gave me so much to indulge in, it probably set me up for a week at least.
It feels great to have such an intense crush on someone again! Though I've been told it is unwise to get into all that heavy emotional stuff early on, we delved in to seriously painful histories of loss and grief so early and to such depth and detail via email and long-distance calls, it's almost like we've cleared the air on what our mutual baggage entails. I feel accepted by him, like he sees me as a survivor of my plights. He teases me with a sense of understanding for who I am, and so he has full clearance to poke fun at me.
I'm going to spend this week basking in the recollection of the doctor's embrace, of his touch. Also, listening to happy music.
Damn my heart feels good.
7.09.2012
7.01.2012
Be gracious if it kills you...
One of my very dearest friends in the whole wide world has spent the last week with me. We have traveled all around Arizona, meeting friends and family and eating amazing food, experiencing awe-inspiring land forms and cloud formations, and spending lots of time having heart-to-hearts. She is such a wonderful companion. Tomorrow, to my dismay, she is on to the next leg of her journey to visit yet another of my dearest friends in the wide world, so I am also a little jealous that they will hang out without me!
My friend is also extremely gracious and understanding that my heart is obsessed and that I am attempting to be as sane as possible while having my heart do flips. She is happy for me, because I am so enthusiastic about feeling the earliest symptoms of being head over heels.
The doctor and I have spoken every single day for over two weeks. I look forward to seeing him this Monday and he made it clear that he is looking forward to getting together. The effortlessness of our courtship is making my head spin; what could it mean?! Does this have the potential to be everything I could imagine? The most wonderful thing about all of this is that it feels mutual. Every time I kick the proverbial ball into his court, my heart sinks into my stomach because I'm totally vulnerable. Then, without having much time pass, he kicks the ball right back to me.
I've so long told myself that if something were really a good thing, I probably didn't deserve it. Like accepting kindness and generosity from people when I really needed help...it felt like charity because I couldn't actually believe that they did it because they loved me. I believed, for as long as I can possibly remember, that I was not actually loved or lovable. I did not trust anyone to be kind to my face and behind my back, and I certainly entertained the idea that I was actually alone in the world.
Toby unfortunately contributed to this baggage because he could not promise to spend any time with me, only sporadic moments when he could not find something better to do with his time. I was no priority for him and he made it very plain to me. He refused to "promise" something he couldn't deliver, like actually behaving as though he was looking forward to seeing me or setting aside time in his schedule for me. And we dated for the better half of six years. I was not worth his time, that's how I interpreted that.
When the most recent dating experience came and went this past spring, I finally experienced being worth someone's time. We both had hectic, busy schedules, but when I told him my free evenings, he made sure he kept that time open for me. It was refreshing to be important enough to get a time slot. Other things about this man became apparent and unappealing, relating mostly to his ignorance and deep-seated bias, but on the whole he treated me relatively well.
Now, the doctor asks me when he gets to see me again! We've spent a week corresponding from separate cities, sharing sunsets and having all-day-long conversations, and he is genuinely interested in me. Maybe my interest trumps his, but I'm trying hard to keep a lid on it so I don't do something hasty like announce our wedding date. Of all people, I know his schedule is going to be difficult on him and most likely on me, since I will want to spend every waking moment in his presence, but he seems willing to share his free time after work with me and I will fall over myself to take him up on it. Assuredly, once work wiggles its tendrils back into my life, we will have quite a bigger knot to loosen, but in the meantime, we can apply our respective schedules one layer at a time.
It's uncanny how well this is working out. I shouldn't be so focused on it, but it is so exciting that I can't seem to sleep.
My online classes for the certification program are apparently going well though I wouldn't call it smoothly. I realized in horror that I missed the deadlines for three consecutive assignments because I am simply inexperienced and ignorant to the online class format, so I assumed all hope was lost and I failed the class. At least, I thought, I can probably re-use these assignments for the next time I take the course. The syllabus clearly states no late work will be accepted. In a mess of tears and shame, I wrote to my instructor to apologize for being completely inept and to explain why I had not submitted any assignments for weeks. This same instructor is facilitating my second, more in-depth class, and I have received glowing feedback and full credit for each of my punctual assignments therein. Surely this counted in my favor, and my instructor responded to my email insisting that I not retake the class but instead accept an Incomplete grade until I can submit my assignments, because her goal as an instructor is to make me a better teacher. I am beyond humbled by her grace and understanding, which I feel I do not deserve, this being entirely my mistake and oversight. I have shed so much guilt-fueled tears today that my eyes were primed and ready to spurt out a fair amount of gratitude and humility tears. I'm a weeper, it's true. My heart is filled with water and it seeps out of my face.
Once I have delivered my darling friend to the airport, I will most certainly be plowing through my remaining three large assignments plus any and every ungraded reflection or discussion I can submit. I have enjoyed and appreciated the insight afforded to me through these courses and I am confident they have already vastly improved the approach I will take in my next year of teaching. I have learned so much already this summer.
I have been reminded that I am so blessed. I have learned to have hope.
My friend is also extremely gracious and understanding that my heart is obsessed and that I am attempting to be as sane as possible while having my heart do flips. She is happy for me, because I am so enthusiastic about feeling the earliest symptoms of being head over heels.
The doctor and I have spoken every single day for over two weeks. I look forward to seeing him this Monday and he made it clear that he is looking forward to getting together. The effortlessness of our courtship is making my head spin; what could it mean?! Does this have the potential to be everything I could imagine? The most wonderful thing about all of this is that it feels mutual. Every time I kick the proverbial ball into his court, my heart sinks into my stomach because I'm totally vulnerable. Then, without having much time pass, he kicks the ball right back to me.
I've so long told myself that if something were really a good thing, I probably didn't deserve it. Like accepting kindness and generosity from people when I really needed help...it felt like charity because I couldn't actually believe that they did it because they loved me. I believed, for as long as I can possibly remember, that I was not actually loved or lovable. I did not trust anyone to be kind to my face and behind my back, and I certainly entertained the idea that I was actually alone in the world.
Toby unfortunately contributed to this baggage because he could not promise to spend any time with me, only sporadic moments when he could not find something better to do with his time. I was no priority for him and he made it very plain to me. He refused to "promise" something he couldn't deliver, like actually behaving as though he was looking forward to seeing me or setting aside time in his schedule for me. And we dated for the better half of six years. I was not worth his time, that's how I interpreted that.
When the most recent dating experience came and went this past spring, I finally experienced being worth someone's time. We both had hectic, busy schedules, but when I told him my free evenings, he made sure he kept that time open for me. It was refreshing to be important enough to get a time slot. Other things about this man became apparent and unappealing, relating mostly to his ignorance and deep-seated bias, but on the whole he treated me relatively well.
Now, the doctor asks me when he gets to see me again! We've spent a week corresponding from separate cities, sharing sunsets and having all-day-long conversations, and he is genuinely interested in me. Maybe my interest trumps his, but I'm trying hard to keep a lid on it so I don't do something hasty like announce our wedding date. Of all people, I know his schedule is going to be difficult on him and most likely on me, since I will want to spend every waking moment in his presence, but he seems willing to share his free time after work with me and I will fall over myself to take him up on it. Assuredly, once work wiggles its tendrils back into my life, we will have quite a bigger knot to loosen, but in the meantime, we can apply our respective schedules one layer at a time.
It's uncanny how well this is working out. I shouldn't be so focused on it, but it is so exciting that I can't seem to sleep.
My online classes for the certification program are apparently going well though I wouldn't call it smoothly. I realized in horror that I missed the deadlines for three consecutive assignments because I am simply inexperienced and ignorant to the online class format, so I assumed all hope was lost and I failed the class. At least, I thought, I can probably re-use these assignments for the next time I take the course. The syllabus clearly states no late work will be accepted. In a mess of tears and shame, I wrote to my instructor to apologize for being completely inept and to explain why I had not submitted any assignments for weeks. This same instructor is facilitating my second, more in-depth class, and I have received glowing feedback and full credit for each of my punctual assignments therein. Surely this counted in my favor, and my instructor responded to my email insisting that I not retake the class but instead accept an Incomplete grade until I can submit my assignments, because her goal as an instructor is to make me a better teacher. I am beyond humbled by her grace and understanding, which I feel I do not deserve, this being entirely my mistake and oversight. I have shed so much guilt-fueled tears today that my eyes were primed and ready to spurt out a fair amount of gratitude and humility tears. I'm a weeper, it's true. My heart is filled with water and it seeps out of my face.
Once I have delivered my darling friend to the airport, I will most certainly be plowing through my remaining three large assignments plus any and every ungraded reflection or discussion I can submit. I have enjoyed and appreciated the insight afforded to me through these courses and I am confident they have already vastly improved the approach I will take in my next year of teaching. I have learned so much already this summer.
I have been reminded that I am so blessed. I have learned to have hope.
6.21.2012
Patience is a virtue?!
My heart wants to explode. I can't seem to distract myself with enough tasks and I am fighting my predisposition for fixation and infatuation.
The rationale is all there. I need to be at peace with what situation I am in at this very moment. It still feels unsettled, as though I'm waiting for it to gel. It's refreshing to have my mind bent around something exciting and wonderful like the idea of love, rather than heartache or grief or disappointment or anger or any other kind of drama. I am physically restraining myself from leaping down the street. I need to calm myself. I need to breathe, to take every moment as a blessing, not let my heart swell up so much that the pressure wants to explode out of my chest.
I am praying so very hard for guidance in taking these steps carefully and appropriately. Above anything, I want to do this whole thing the right way, so that I'm not kicking myself to bits for messing it up somehow later on.
What I really want to do is drink a gallon of coffee and hike a mountain. I think that would help me collect myself, honestly. I could use some fresh air and exercise. AND peace of mind.
The rationale is all there. I need to be at peace with what situation I am in at this very moment. It still feels unsettled, as though I'm waiting for it to gel. It's refreshing to have my mind bent around something exciting and wonderful like the idea of love, rather than heartache or grief or disappointment or anger or any other kind of drama. I am physically restraining myself from leaping down the street. I need to calm myself. I need to breathe, to take every moment as a blessing, not let my heart swell up so much that the pressure wants to explode out of my chest.
I am praying so very hard for guidance in taking these steps carefully and appropriately. Above anything, I want to do this whole thing the right way, so that I'm not kicking myself to bits for messing it up somehow later on.
What I really want to do is drink a gallon of coffee and hike a mountain. I think that would help me collect myself, honestly. I could use some fresh air and exercise. AND peace of mind.
6.20.2012
Rolling dice
We all know how fickle I can be ('we' meaning my theoretical regular reader and myself). It could have gone any direction. It could have been terrible from the first moment, or gotten slightly uncomfortable a few hours in, or any number of minor disasters I conjure up in my head.
But it wasn't. It was perfect. Easy. Relaxed, exciting, fun, disarming, all at once.
The chemistry was undeniable, instantaneous, and prevalent. Conversation was effortless. We've already shared so much that now it's just there, in our combined repertoire, to build from.
However, I appreciate his maturity, and I am extremely flattered by his self-restraint. We both agree that we are impulsive, we have short attention spans, and we are essentially players. For us to make anything work together, we have to avoid those old pitfalls. We have to take our time.
My biggest challenge is to simply slow down. I want to get to point Z without traversing the whole experience. For so long I have abhorred the idea of rehashing all my personal details with someone new. With him, it's impossible to be afraid of telling him anything. It all wants to rush out, so I have to really temper myself.
Our first day together was nine hours long. We shared a lot of together time. Buying personal items at the store. Watching the sun set. Deep secrets over beers. Long embraces.
But that's as far as it went. Even though I generally seek validation physically, he stopped it before we got more intimate. It's so new to me that it shakes me to the core, but I have such profound respect for this man who wants to gradually become more intimate.
It was such a powerful thing for him to do that I didn't know how to tear myself away. As I was driving home, I was so grateful and emotional and surprised that I couldn't hold it together, and I cried myself home.
Wow. It could have gone in any direction, and it went THIS WAY.
I'm in awe.
But it wasn't. It was perfect. Easy. Relaxed, exciting, fun, disarming, all at once.
The chemistry was undeniable, instantaneous, and prevalent. Conversation was effortless. We've already shared so much that now it's just there, in our combined repertoire, to build from.
However, I appreciate his maturity, and I am extremely flattered by his self-restraint. We both agree that we are impulsive, we have short attention spans, and we are essentially players. For us to make anything work together, we have to avoid those old pitfalls. We have to take our time.
My biggest challenge is to simply slow down. I want to get to point Z without traversing the whole experience. For so long I have abhorred the idea of rehashing all my personal details with someone new. With him, it's impossible to be afraid of telling him anything. It all wants to rush out, so I have to really temper myself.
Our first day together was nine hours long. We shared a lot of together time. Buying personal items at the store. Watching the sun set. Deep secrets over beers. Long embraces.
But that's as far as it went. Even though I generally seek validation physically, he stopped it before we got more intimate. It's so new to me that it shakes me to the core, but I have such profound respect for this man who wants to gradually become more intimate.
It was such a powerful thing for him to do that I didn't know how to tear myself away. As I was driving home, I was so grateful and emotional and surprised that I couldn't hold it together, and I cried myself home.
Wow. It could have gone in any direction, and it went THIS WAY.
I'm in awe.
6.18.2012
Not pretending
All we ever have is the present, right? Well, at present, I'm obsessed. Maybe it's just fixation, but my mind is locked on one thing and has been hammering away at it for days. I'll chock it up to being almost entirely isolated in someone else's house for two weeks, with few responsibilities and stressors, but this is undeniable.
Let me explain how it started:
I won't get into an entire back story, because I'm not writing a novel and this is my blog with a hundred previous entries that certainly touched on my failing romance with the previous "love of my life," but suffice it to say I've been coping with the official death of that relationship for the past 9 months. Coping has involved a rebound relationship that satisfactorily distracted me but ultimately fell short of my expectations and minimum criteria. It has also involved a fair amount of Me Time, where I've managed to rekindle (or probably just kindle) a love affair with myself...that kind of love that is forgiving and unconditional and understanding. I've never loved myself like that before.
Well, since I had settled on being in a healthy relationship with myself for the first time, and I'm awfully monogamous, I was neither looking for nor interested in entertaining anything with anyone else. Plus, as the end of the school year came to a fever pitch, there was no time or space in my brain for thoughts about a boy. I wasn't looking, to be short.
Isn't this when everyone says, that's when love finds you, when you least expect it?
Okay, so let me clarify: I'm not in love. Love hasn't officially found me.
I tend to revisit (reactivate) my account on an online dating site that I've had for a couple years, since I came home from Korea. I've met with a number of different guys, a few nice ones, lots of shitty ones, but nobody I was particularly interested in. I most enjoyed the option to answer questions about myself, which in itself was this great opportunity to learn about myself and what I wanted (and where my boundaries are). I let Toby take me for granted for so very long, where the only effort ever put into the friendship or relationship we had was MY effort, and all the essential things I want from a relationship I agreed not to demand from him because he couldn't "make any promises." This time, damn it, I'm going to establish those imperatives ahead of time, and I won't back down from what I want.
I guess as the school year was winding down, I was craving attention and companionship again, so I reactivated my account in late May. Something wonderful happened...I found *exactly* what I'm looking for. I think.
To be brief and vague about it, I'll just say that this man is incredibly intelligent, handsome, athletic, hilariously witty, tall enough, educated, and hard working. He just moved to Tucson after getting his post-grad degree. He and I have been corresponding for three weeks; long, in-depth emails and text message conversations that have been remarkably open, honest, and easy. He knows what I went through with my dad because he went through something profoundly similar. He loves dancing, singing, and martial arts. He is incredibly talented in conversation! He has gone OUT OF HIS WAY to show me and tell me that he's interested and attracted! I'm sold. Hook. Line. Sinker.
I haven't met him in person yet, so I'm fostering insecurities about my physique and how I'm not at my ideal svelte leanness this summer, and I've been scrutinizing all my own tiny flaws for days because I have little else to do.
Here's the thing though...I want nothing more than to present myself in the most honest way possible to him, no guards, no games, no pretending. Here is this man who understands what I tell him without me having to beat the details out (and I refer specifically to my childhood rife with abusive adults), and not only does he not judge me, he can reword it back to me in such an understanding way that it relaxes my muscles in my back and shoulders. I don't have to be afraid of what he knows about me.
I'm not in love, but I want nothing more right now than to connect my soul to his soul. I'm totally fixated on this feeling. It's probably me being overly visceral and I know I run the risk of pouring my heart out too quickly and running him off. I can't forget that he JUST moved here and started his life in Tucson TODAY, so I am forcing myself to back the hell off and give him some space.
I just want him so badly. I want this so badly. I can't wait until we meet :)
Let me explain how it started:
I won't get into an entire back story, because I'm not writing a novel and this is my blog with a hundred previous entries that certainly touched on my failing romance with the previous "love of my life," but suffice it to say I've been coping with the official death of that relationship for the past 9 months. Coping has involved a rebound relationship that satisfactorily distracted me but ultimately fell short of my expectations and minimum criteria. It has also involved a fair amount of Me Time, where I've managed to rekindle (or probably just kindle) a love affair with myself...that kind of love that is forgiving and unconditional and understanding. I've never loved myself like that before.
Well, since I had settled on being in a healthy relationship with myself for the first time, and I'm awfully monogamous, I was neither looking for nor interested in entertaining anything with anyone else. Plus, as the end of the school year came to a fever pitch, there was no time or space in my brain for thoughts about a boy. I wasn't looking, to be short.
Isn't this when everyone says, that's when love finds you, when you least expect it?
Okay, so let me clarify: I'm not in love. Love hasn't officially found me.
I tend to revisit (reactivate) my account on an online dating site that I've had for a couple years, since I came home from Korea. I've met with a number of different guys, a few nice ones, lots of shitty ones, but nobody I was particularly interested in. I most enjoyed the option to answer questions about myself, which in itself was this great opportunity to learn about myself and what I wanted (and where my boundaries are). I let Toby take me for granted for so very long, where the only effort ever put into the friendship or relationship we had was MY effort, and all the essential things I want from a relationship I agreed not to demand from him because he couldn't "make any promises." This time, damn it, I'm going to establish those imperatives ahead of time, and I won't back down from what I want.
I guess as the school year was winding down, I was craving attention and companionship again, so I reactivated my account in late May. Something wonderful happened...I found *exactly* what I'm looking for. I think.
To be brief and vague about it, I'll just say that this man is incredibly intelligent, handsome, athletic, hilariously witty, tall enough, educated, and hard working. He just moved to Tucson after getting his post-grad degree. He and I have been corresponding for three weeks; long, in-depth emails and text message conversations that have been remarkably open, honest, and easy. He knows what I went through with my dad because he went through something profoundly similar. He loves dancing, singing, and martial arts. He is incredibly talented in conversation! He has gone OUT OF HIS WAY to show me and tell me that he's interested and attracted! I'm sold. Hook. Line. Sinker.
I haven't met him in person yet, so I'm fostering insecurities about my physique and how I'm not at my ideal svelte leanness this summer, and I've been scrutinizing all my own tiny flaws for days because I have little else to do.
Here's the thing though...I want nothing more than to present myself in the most honest way possible to him, no guards, no games, no pretending. Here is this man who understands what I tell him without me having to beat the details out (and I refer specifically to my childhood rife with abusive adults), and not only does he not judge me, he can reword it back to me in such an understanding way that it relaxes my muscles in my back and shoulders. I don't have to be afraid of what he knows about me.
I'm not in love, but I want nothing more right now than to connect my soul to his soul. I'm totally fixated on this feeling. It's probably me being overly visceral and I know I run the risk of pouring my heart out too quickly and running him off. I can't forget that he JUST moved here and started his life in Tucson TODAY, so I am forcing myself to back the hell off and give him some space.
I just want him so badly. I want this so badly. I can't wait until we meet :)
5.05.2012
not exactly sure
Tonight, for some inexplicable reason, I feel incredibly lonely.
The Moon is a remarkable one; 30% bigger and 15% brighter, and some 22,000 miles closer to Earth. It's being referred to as a "super moon," but this phenomenon is simply the perigee of the Moon's orbit. No photograph of it does any justice. I've had to simply look up and ponder.
I love solitude and privacy, but retreating to my distant castle before midnight makes me feel like I'm beating the clock lest I turn into a pumpkin.
http://youtu.be/STK9a0eB390
What is next for me?
The Moon is a remarkable one; 30% bigger and 15% brighter, and some 22,000 miles closer to Earth. It's being referred to as a "super moon," but this phenomenon is simply the perigee of the Moon's orbit. No photograph of it does any justice. I've had to simply look up and ponder.
I love solitude and privacy, but retreating to my distant castle before midnight makes me feel like I'm beating the clock lest I turn into a pumpkin.
http://youtu.be/STK9a0eB390
What is next for me?
5.03.2012
FINISH HER!
Even in this fresh new relationship with myself, I am recognizing red flags. Namely, that I can be very verbally abusive with myself.
Take, for example, this evening when I sat and watched two videos of performances I participated in with my troupe, approximately 6 months apart. My attention was, of course, focused on the gamut of insecurities I have regarding my weight, my timing, performance character, and grasp of the techniques and language. The earlier of the two won me some praise for looking svelte and having nice fluidity, but I pointed out the flaws in my cues and timing. The second of the two, a performance this past January, drew scorn and disappointment. I'd gained weight, I slaughtered at least 4 moves, my timing was off, and I recall feeling so proud of myself at the time. Foolish, I told myself.
See what I can do? I can let this take me down so far, just viewing two videos of myself doing something fun and creative, and I can convince myself that I am worthless and undesirable, that I have nothing going for myself. It's that proverbial round of Self vs. Evil Self, equally matched in power and agility, and I honestly thought I was winning. How does one overpower one's dark side?
It's been years since I've had professional therapy, and even though I'm provided several sessions for free through our insurance provider, I simply can't seem to make time for it. Come three weeks from tomorrow, I'm out of a job, and should be collecting unemployment if the stars are aligned in my favor.
Because I come to this blog when I'm trying to sort things out, I'll throw in some good news for posterity. Yesterday I observed one of the chemistry teacher's classes to satisfy a requirement by the district office, and the lesson just happened to be on colligative properties (the elevation of boiling point, depression of freezing point, lowering of vaporization, and osmotic properties upon the addition of any solute to a pure solvent). Now, considering it has been years since I took a chemistry course, I still happen to have minored in it, and felt as though I grasped those concepts very well, even if I can barely explain them or recall the terminology today. It has also been (not as many) years since my internship roaming the Southwest for hummingbird habitats, and I recall one of our many scientific debates was on that very topic: if salt is added to pure water (i.e. when cooking pasta), it changes the boiling point. My vote was that the boiling temperature is increased, and he insisted that it was decreased. Well, with great satisfaction, I am happy to say that I was right, and it was confirmed yesterday. I needed that. It validated me, if only a little, as a scientist.
Additionally, I suggested to a student of mine that if he needed a tutor during the summer, I would offer my services. That was only yesterday, and today he asked if I could tutor him during July for a tidy sum. This is perfect because I'll be broke and house sitting in Tucson this July, and that will keep me a bit more above water. Thank God.
I'm so anxious about the end of the year. There's nothing I can do but persevere and try to accomplish everything, but I'm always shooting for perfection and that's just so unrealistic. Why does it seem like everyone else has it figured out, and I can barely make ends meet or keep a job for more than a year?! Didn't I bust ass in college? I still have a small hill of debt to contend with, secretly, and the thought of entering the world of school costs all over again makes my stomach lurch. Just to be a damn teacher. That whole question of whether the time, money, effort, and constant opposition is all worth it? Dubious.
Let's not forget, while I'm busy playing my little violin, that I have been living in a virtual palace, fully-stocked, since late March. I'm here through the end of the school year, with no utilities or rent to pay, in a beautiful part of town with a plethora of desert flora and fauna, especially birds. The quail are regulars in the back lawn, but I see everything from verdins to cardinals to flycatchers. Then we have little furry rodents, notably cottontails. The burrowing ground squirrels and mice have turned up, but usually after they have befallen some terrible fate, such as a car or the cat. It's always tragic, and I try to gently move their remains somewhere they'd be comfortable. Not that I'm missing the point or anything. I also hear owls at night, and from this vantage point at the darker edge of the city, I have been fortunate enough to spot Venus on a regular basis, Jupiter for at least a month, and even Mars for a week or so. Once or twice, I saw all three! That is an incredible experience, valuable and profound.
Saturday is the junior and senior prom(enade), to which I have been invited and to which I am certainly going! I have a dress and shoes already decided on! I love a good reason to dress up.
Let's throw some more good news in here: I have officially joined the school of people obsessed with their smartphone applications. I only use a few, but I use them most frequently. The best, by far, is the little calorie diary that counts up my water, cardio exercise, and food intake. It sorts it into protein, fat, and carbs, and compares that to the proportions I should strive to meet. I can record my weight and view graphs of my progress (weight loss and staying within budgeted calories) weekly or monthly. I'm pleased to say I've lost 5 lbs! I had been feeling extremely disconnected with my food intake and out of control of my weight. It's wonderful to be so present in my daily diet and to push for some little goal like I would a video game. And the best part is, it translates to my real life and livelihood. Sure, I spend much more time looking at my phone, but I'm building muscle memory with portion control and ingredient choices that I never considered before. I need these habits in place and I'm sure grateful my phone is helping me lose weight!
Okay, I think I've cheered myself up well enough.
Take that, Evil Self!
Until next time...
Take, for example, this evening when I sat and watched two videos of performances I participated in with my troupe, approximately 6 months apart. My attention was, of course, focused on the gamut of insecurities I have regarding my weight, my timing, performance character, and grasp of the techniques and language. The earlier of the two won me some praise for looking svelte and having nice fluidity, but I pointed out the flaws in my cues and timing. The second of the two, a performance this past January, drew scorn and disappointment. I'd gained weight, I slaughtered at least 4 moves, my timing was off, and I recall feeling so proud of myself at the time. Foolish, I told myself.
See what I can do? I can let this take me down so far, just viewing two videos of myself doing something fun and creative, and I can convince myself that I am worthless and undesirable, that I have nothing going for myself. It's that proverbial round of Self vs. Evil Self, equally matched in power and agility, and I honestly thought I was winning. How does one overpower one's dark side?
It's been years since I've had professional therapy, and even though I'm provided several sessions for free through our insurance provider, I simply can't seem to make time for it. Come three weeks from tomorrow, I'm out of a job, and should be collecting unemployment if the stars are aligned in my favor.
Because I come to this blog when I'm trying to sort things out, I'll throw in some good news for posterity. Yesterday I observed one of the chemistry teacher's classes to satisfy a requirement by the district office, and the lesson just happened to be on colligative properties (the elevation of boiling point, depression of freezing point, lowering of vaporization, and osmotic properties upon the addition of any solute to a pure solvent). Now, considering it has been years since I took a chemistry course, I still happen to have minored in it, and felt as though I grasped those concepts very well, even if I can barely explain them or recall the terminology today. It has also been (not as many) years since my internship roaming the Southwest for hummingbird habitats, and I recall one of our many scientific debates was on that very topic: if salt is added to pure water (i.e. when cooking pasta), it changes the boiling point. My vote was that the boiling temperature is increased, and he insisted that it was decreased. Well, with great satisfaction, I am happy to say that I was right, and it was confirmed yesterday. I needed that. It validated me, if only a little, as a scientist.
Additionally, I suggested to a student of mine that if he needed a tutor during the summer, I would offer my services. That was only yesterday, and today he asked if I could tutor him during July for a tidy sum. This is perfect because I'll be broke and house sitting in Tucson this July, and that will keep me a bit more above water. Thank God.
I'm so anxious about the end of the year. There's nothing I can do but persevere and try to accomplish everything, but I'm always shooting for perfection and that's just so unrealistic. Why does it seem like everyone else has it figured out, and I can barely make ends meet or keep a job for more than a year?! Didn't I bust ass in college? I still have a small hill of debt to contend with, secretly, and the thought of entering the world of school costs all over again makes my stomach lurch. Just to be a damn teacher. That whole question of whether the time, money, effort, and constant opposition is all worth it? Dubious.
Let's not forget, while I'm busy playing my little violin, that I have been living in a virtual palace, fully-stocked, since late March. I'm here through the end of the school year, with no utilities or rent to pay, in a beautiful part of town with a plethora of desert flora and fauna, especially birds. The quail are regulars in the back lawn, but I see everything from verdins to cardinals to flycatchers. Then we have little furry rodents, notably cottontails. The burrowing ground squirrels and mice have turned up, but usually after they have befallen some terrible fate, such as a car or the cat. It's always tragic, and I try to gently move their remains somewhere they'd be comfortable. Not that I'm missing the point or anything. I also hear owls at night, and from this vantage point at the darker edge of the city, I have been fortunate enough to spot Venus on a regular basis, Jupiter for at least a month, and even Mars for a week or so. Once or twice, I saw all three! That is an incredible experience, valuable and profound.
Saturday is the junior and senior prom(enade), to which I have been invited and to which I am certainly going! I have a dress and shoes already decided on! I love a good reason to dress up.
Let's throw some more good news in here: I have officially joined the school of people obsessed with their smartphone applications. I only use a few, but I use them most frequently. The best, by far, is the little calorie diary that counts up my water, cardio exercise, and food intake. It sorts it into protein, fat, and carbs, and compares that to the proportions I should strive to meet. I can record my weight and view graphs of my progress (weight loss and staying within budgeted calories) weekly or monthly. I'm pleased to say I've lost 5 lbs! I had been feeling extremely disconnected with my food intake and out of control of my weight. It's wonderful to be so present in my daily diet and to push for some little goal like I would a video game. And the best part is, it translates to my real life and livelihood. Sure, I spend much more time looking at my phone, but I'm building muscle memory with portion control and ingredient choices that I never considered before. I need these habits in place and I'm sure grateful my phone is helping me lose weight!
Okay, I think I've cheered myself up well enough.
Take that, Evil Self!
Until next time...
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