randy

Well this is certainly unfamiliar territory.  I could've sworn I had been here at some point before, but now I don't recognize anything.  It's a nice place, I like it very much, it's somewhere I want to keep coming back to, as long as I can.

Every good feeling I could describe would be too obvious and I don't want to write that down.  But I'm feeling good.  I'm feeling amazing.

red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight...

It is already cold!  Is this what the rest of the world experiences...four separate seasons??  I thought I wasn't going to be xericentric (I invented that word but you get it), though it's just a bit too chilly a bit too early!  Anyway, I'm just surprised, is all.  It now makes sense that September is traditionally lumped into the Fall months.  I'm so unprepared!

It's amazing how I can kill three hours with no productivity whatsoever.  How did I manage this, again?  There's no excuse for me to be awake now.  Except syndicated auditions of yet another season of American Idol.

Oh and my high school class is difficult to teach.  I've only been back for two classes, but during the first class I asked for feedback on the way the first semester went.  They like the pictures I draw and put on the screen, they need me to speak more slowly and be more deliberate about putting up definitions (so they can translate things in their cellphone dictionaries).  They also asked for a curriculum prepared ahead of time so they know what's going on.  And I use the term "they" very loosely.  Out of 36 students, I could only solicit three to even speak to me, and this is all what they told me.  So I collected everybody's email addresses, wrote up a review of the genetics we've already covered, and sent it out.  Seven students' addresses were unsuccessful (because they are illegible) and I only got a response from one student (my favorite one, who speaks to me and does everything I ask and more like a perfect angel), thanking me for the effort.  So I teach this class for her.

But today, the second time through, nobody would answer me when I asked who didn't receive the email I sent (I don't know most of their names, by the way).  Then, at least 10 of them fell asleep multiple times during class.  When I was in high school, I only ever consistently fell asleep on Saturdays when I had to drag to my 6-hour college class and I was hungover or still drunk from Friday night's shenanigans.  And I admit it.  Stupid 6 days of school a week.  Totally impaired my party lifestyle!

But these kids aren't drinking!  They're just studying!  They always have some wholesome excuse why they can dick off in my class!  "Oh, Teacher!  I was at school until 11pm last night!  My mother makes me learn trombone and tennis and Chinese characters and English and robot science!"  Wah, wah, wah.

Anyway, I chewed them out for sleeping again and again, and got myself all angry and flustered, because I was insulted that they found my class so soporific.  But then I finally segued into population genetics, which I've been dying to get to for ages, but we haven't had class for months and I want them to know what the heck a trait is and how it works.

But that's boring to anybody who isn't interested in biology.  Are these kids really interested?  They don't seem to be.  I don't like wasting my time up in front of a sleeping class.  It's a major drain of energy.  Like a performer in front of a crowd of people who are all talking to each other and not paying attention, it's just a wasted investment of personal energy.  I get it, though.  They pay me to talk about science, and if these kids don't pay attention and keep sleeping, I'll just start giving pop quizzes and stuff.  Yeah, that's the kind of vengeance I can wield as a teacher.  That'll teach 'em!

O! But teaching American Sign Language to 5-year-olds is glorious fun!  This is both because I am teaching myself ASL and because my students are cheerful, energetic, and eager to learn!  We've developed an excellent rapport and and a good routine.  They know their abc's and tons of vocabulary (in both English and ASL) and it really helps with sentence structure and total physical response.  My snotty, uptight coworker, who is supposed to collaborate with me on the kinder lesson plans for the year, has instead elected to ice me out any time I mention what I'm doing or would like to do with my classes (or how pleased I am with the success of my approach).  I would be happy to work with her if she'd even speak to me or smile or be amenable at all, but she has made it quite clear that she works alone.  Either way, my kids are happy, whether or not the mothers are privy to the differences between our classes, and their English and ASL retention is fabulous, and they scream (and sign), "I love you, Amanda Teacher!!!" at the end of every class, so...you know.  My ego loves it.

On top of that, y'all, my kids are great, period.  I loved being a kid and I love kids and I think I was robbed of several years of innocence and blissful ignorance, so it's kind of like I can adore these kids with the unconditional love I deserved when I was little.  Maybe I can picture my inner child seated with these guys, and I'm just so proud and impressed by all of them for working so hard and being so sweet and obedient (because really, 10 hours of school a day is a whole lot to ask of anybody, especially kids).  Now, personally I need to work on my patience and my temper with some kids who talk ALL the time or never pay attention, but I still love them.

It really is my favorite thing to wade through the hallway and immediately have smiling 5-year-olds clinging to my legs and waist.  I love 'em.

I wonder what parenthood feels like compared to this, though.  I remember so much yelling and anger and violence and isolation when I was a child, that I'm sure it's ingrained in me that parenthood is miserable.  At least, that's how my mom acted.  My brother and I fought with each other because we weren't really taught to be loving or gentle to one another; my mom was seldom gentle or patient.  I don't want to have a temper like she had.  She's a better mom now, but I have to forgive her for a lot of trespasses to appreciate who she has become.

If nobody stopped me, I could literally gush about my students for hours.  But, a little bell went off in my head and reminded me that it is only Thursday night, and I could actually go to sleep now and have some morning time to myself before work tomorrow.  I think I ought to give it a try.

that silver lining

Last week, as the weather cooled, I found myself slightly disappointed that summer was ending.  Ordinarily, I am still sweating in stifling 100+ degree weather at this time of year, praying for the end of October.  Yet here I am, wearing longer sleeves and lamenting that I didn't spend more time in the sun.  I think it's partly because I am not psychologically prepared for another freezing winter!

This week, however, I do not feel that sense of melancholy.  I've found that all my projects haven't overwhelmed me, my job, housecleaning, sewing, taekwondo, dancing, GRE studying and preparation, grad school pursuit, these things are all just rewarding.  That was the original reason I wanted to do each of them in the first place.  Not so that I could be anxious and distracted and short-fused, but so that I could feel proud of myself and accomplished.

In a moment of untempered narcissism, I will also mention that I am happily losing weight and feeling very confident.  Weight issues affect millions, if not billions, of people's lives, and mine has been no exception.  I am proud to say that in two years I've lost 57 pounds!  I'm in a completely different frame of mind than I was the last time I was anywhere near that slim figure I'm now working for.  I was so depressed and self-destructive, insecure and ignorant, I could not appreciate anything about myself.  Now, on the other hand, I know what I love about myself.  I know that I am lovable.  I do not cringe at my reflection.  I have changed.  I have grown.  I have improved.

And my lunch break is over.

homesickness, et cetera

after insisting to every person with whom i reconvened last week in arizona that i was quite happy with my life in korea, i am finding myself with a severe case of homesickness and persistent melancholy.  my trip home was too short, i think.  i wasn't ready to leave when i had to leave, i wanted to share in more of my loved ones' lives; a few more hours, a few more days.  everyone seems to be doing so well, so cheerful and motivated.

then again, i felt a bit out of place there, because i do have a life in korea with which i am comfortable.  i am used to saying things in english and exchanging similar phrases in korean, a habit that merely confused my friends in phoenix and tucson.  i spent so much time sitting inside and eating heavy foods and never walking or kicking or dancing, i certainly plumped back up a bit.  i tried to walk or bike to my destinations, but it was so hot i only walked twice.  and i enjoyed driving far too much to walk anywhere in phoenix.

and i have conveniently placed myself in a frame of mind that prevents me from moving on or moving back together with toby.  is it over?  will it ever be?  neither of us has made much progress in independent singledom, yet we have fundamental differences in life momentum that may never bring us back together.  dare i take yoshi back?  i've pointed myself at graduate school like an arrow, and the life of a researcher tends to lack certain permanence or routine that a little dog depends on.  since my return this has weighed heavily on my heart.

i had only anticipated the strangeness of returning to north america during a strange economic time, not the consequential emotions of leaving north america again.  it shook me up and in my travel-related fatigue, i am unable to find peace or solace.  i am once again between worlds.

and yet, the one nagging voice behind it all tells me to wait.  patience, have patience.  because i am driven, and i try to make the changes i want to see, i am most often briefly put off by obstacles of this nature.  i take steps back and i regroup, and then i approach with my new strategy, or i simply charge at the blockade and this is usually effective.  my instinct is to push through it, but with this i suspect that won't work anyhow.

i have such a short attention span that i find myself with new small, bite-sized goals that i can easily barrel through if i so much as try, and it has led to a string of interesting and tangential life events and relocations, hence my present circumstances.

when i came back from beijing i had a similar period of mourning, if you will, since there is such a huge difference in culture, attitude and pace of life between seoul and beijing (coincidentally sister cities).  there was so much more i wanted to see and do, and i just wanted more time to absorb the feelings i experienced while there.  i suppose that sounds very whistful and cerebral, and maybe that's exactly what i am, but more than any photograph or souvenir, i can conjure up a vivid recollection of my heart and so i try to make sure i have something nice to remember.  i'm not proud of the moments where i was dissatisfied, tired and cross.  coming back to korea, i could only see the uptight, pushy, xenophobic side, since i resented having to be here rather than getting to stick around in yet another land and learn about it.

get over it, right?!  international travel isn't free, not everybody gets to do it, i should count my blessings.  i'm lucky i went home at all, i'm extremely blessed to have those people to welcome me back so graciously, who were all so pleased to have my company.  my grandmother is well, my family seems happy, no major crises, no illnesses, no deaths (in the family).  and furthermore, i'm so blessed to have good friends in korea to come back to.  i have to stop getting myself worked up into such a self-pitying lather and getting so caught up in a feeling.

these are the back in korea blues, i suppose.  why, i'm even blessed that i have a computer, internet, and fingers with which i can complain about it all on myspace.

a blessed place

I know, I've been very bad about updating my blog here. I got busy, I had a month of nothing but LOST episodes, traveled to Osaka for a weekend, and got serious about belly dance and taekwondo. I also powered my way through a nice, successful attitude adjustment. Another one, I guess.

A lot of time has been spent planning for things, working out, and traveling around. I came to Arizona for a week and I've been rekindling my love for the Sonoran desert (which I obviously already loved). I'm leaving in a day but I'm having a great vacation like it's waking up briefly from a dream I've been having for almost a year. I'll be asleep again soon, back in Korea, working my way through another year, most likely...

Most notably, I'm spending valuable time with Yoshi. All my friends that I've been able to get in touch with are doing so well and are so healthy and happy, so it's really wonderful to see them too.

What a vacation!

wish you were here

I've found myself so groggy or sleepy or spaced out for several days.  I'm functioning all right, but now and then I wonder if I'm going to wake up in the middle of it.  When I was in college sometimes I felt like this, a bit, as though I'd just come to and realized I had a test the next week and had just been chugging along without looking forward or backward.

It isn't deja vu, but sometimes almost the opposite, as though I'm experiencing something I remember from a vivid dream.  I suppose this comes with being so close to a vacation that is surely the most unique homecoming of my life.

Last week I got a black eye during a bit of an extreme low point for me, which is odd because I've been trying so hard to be better.  I've nearly doubled my workout regimen and have clear results to show for it, so I'm really proud of that.  I've also taken more risks and relaxed about priorities and demands, which may well be the source of my daydreaming.  Without deliberate focus, perhaps I tend to mentally drift far and away.  I have more projects and most of them go unfinished (not unusual for me), but I abandon them sooner after starting them and care little about seeing them to completion.

The nice thing is that I have recognized my ability to bounce back, which is probably also part of this detachment.  This could be a mental and emotional recuperation, standby mode if you will, to help me leg up the last week until I have a legitimate rest.

I've started focusing more on dancing, too, since I have more experience in my repertoire.  I have to create the costumes for the performances, which I am most certainly not ready for, but it has given me a new opportunity to practice my limited sewing skills and to incorporate some of the many beads I bought last year at the Tucson Gem Show into something that represents my artistic side.

I like where my head is right now, although I haven't connected much to anything.  I feel really grateful for the people out here who love me, and for the beautiful summertime biology that is so different from a desert summer.  I've packed and cleaned a bit, too, and have managed to get my glasses repaired and tended to my puffy purple eye, so I haven't disengaged myself completely from the world.

Only time will tell.  I like to wonder how I will reflect back on this next summer.

n-e-g-l-e-c-t, find out what it means to me

Since I have absorbed myself in the first 4 seasons of LOST rewatching, coping with what I considered to be an extreme amount of work (nearly overwhelming), and considering what I want to do with the next few months of my life, it has been a bit impossible to come here and drop an update in without wanting to elaborate on the minutia and having that sinking feeling at the same time.

But now that I am post-attitude adjustment, I'd like to think things have smoothed out enough for me to paraphrase them in my rarely-read myspace blog.

I've been quite ambivalent about whether I wanted to stay past the end of my contract in November.  Several reasons were pushing me to stay, like tax paperwork I'd have to do if I came back in 2009, not wanting to dive into the so-called recession where my family and friends are being laid off every month or so, enjoying my friends here, and wanting to stick out another paid vacation to travel where I please for a week.

And certainly, there were things compelling me to cut my losses and run, but many of them dissipated with my poor attitude about things.  The high school and kinder classes I teach are both over for summer vacation, so that took a huge load of stress and excess work off my shoulders, for now.  Missing important people back home has also distracted me.

I'm learning several lessons about minimizing the number of things that would anchor me to a specific location, like pets and furniture, since I am so hungry to wander and be available for those ephemeral opportunities.

Despite having some tension with such intense friendships, I still love my friends here very much.  It's refreshing to learn myself so much better in sticky situations with these guys, since our community is so small and we depend on each other more than we would if we lived back home.  I'm so blessed to have found trustworthy, supportive friends here.  Strangely, my friends are almost exclusively female.  I think this is largely because the straight male expat population here seem to be very interested either in having drunken flings or Korean girlfriends, and expat men are quite popular among the radiantly beautiful Korean females here, so that creates a predictable situation.  I'm not thrilled about the dating scene here, and don't find myself interested in anybody to speak of, so instead my heart points west.

I take my job seriously, and I try to do a good job.  I can tell my students love me, especially the kindergarteners, because they swarm me in the halls and show me loose teeth and scraped knees and mosquito bites, or wrap their tiny arms around my waist or legs and drag along any time I pass them in the halls.  All I need for a pick-me-up is to wade through the halls when they're about and reassure myself of my rock star status.  I love it.

For the kids I have trouble with, I've found that I'm not the only teacher struggling with them, since I've talked to other teachers and they all want to scream or cry or punch the wall at least occasionally.  I see them handling themselves with such grace, so I know I can do the same.

I'm doing taekwondo every week and am nearly a green belt (that's the 4th belt level).  I'd be much further along, but money and time constraints have kept me from fiercely dedicating my time to it.  I also take belly dancing, and have been invited to join the performance troupe that dances at shows each month (if not more often).  I really enjoy it but I'm not confident that I'm ready to dance in public, at least until August or September.  Taekwondo should help with that, too.

The weather here is pretty awesome.  Yes, it rains at least every other day, usually all day long, but the air is cool most of the time (although sometimes it is unbearably warm and muggy), and the plants everywhere are so green and full and stunning.  There are different flowers blooming every few weeks and frogs singing and honey and bumble and native bees moving all over the flowers, and I like to hike up around the small mountain behind my house and breath in the sweet forest air.  My friends pressure me to find an apartment closer to the bustling part of town, but this is where I belong, in the suburbs, close to nature, so that I can retreat into it when I please.

In three weeks I'm coming back to Phoenix and Tucson to visit.  My grandmother had a stroke on Easter and since then she has been recovering (almost completely!), but it rattled me so much that I didn't hesitate to spend an ENTIRE paycheck on airfare back for my week-long summer vacation.  I'm so excited to see everybody I love in Arizona, to have reverse-culture shock, and not be at work for a whole week.  I'm literally counting down the days.

Even without studying very much, I understand and can speak quite a bit of Korean, which I am quite proud of.  If I gave it any kind of effort, I'm sure I'd be partly fluent by now, but I have found lots of other things to do with my time.

My break is about over and I have to do something responsible before it ends, so I should wrap this up.  Maybe I'll grab another cup of coffee!