what could possibly go wrong?

Is there a bridge nearby that I can go fling myself off of?  I'm so fucking tired of declaring that I am happy, only to witness a split second that devastates everything and rakes me over the hottest, sharpest coals.

And let's add some fatigue to it, too.  How about not sleeping an entire night, rehearsing the very words I dread saying and with no respite from my discomfort.

Then, why don't we empower me to stick up for my pathetic self esteem, to set my boundaries and stick to them.  Let's fuel my resolve to demand more than mere crumbs, to stop openly taking whatever pittance I can get.

Let's lead me to someone, with whom I could easily and rapidly fall head over heels in love, and then challenge me with his immense baggage, his broken heart, his child from a previous marriage, and his sense of failure.  Furthermore, challenge me with his detachment and reluctance to invest himself emotionally.  And finally, challenge me with his deliberate kindness, likability, handsomeness, integrity, honesty, passion, affectionate nature, and obvious attraction to me.

And I couldn't make it last more than three goddamned weeks.

I told him I couldn't be a rebound, that I'm worth more than that.  He's been asking me specifically what I want, and I couldn't answer until this morning; I want to keep him.  I like him too much to do something casual or slow or detached, and I'm far too open and sensitive emotionally to hide any increasing feelings while he maintains that he can't meet any greater expectations.  I told him that if I felt like I was on standby, liking him more and more, I would probably debase myself by inadvertently trying to convince him of my worthiness.  I told him I wasn't interested in sharing him with other people from the dating website where we met.  For those reasons, I suggested that I leave him to do whatever he needs to do to heal for however long, and if he felt like trying again with me, he should see if I'm around.

He was so open to hearing it, he wrapped his arms around me in bed and kissed the top of my head.  He said it seemed like an easy way out of getting hurt, and I agreed.  He told me how cool and thoughtful I was, how attractive and sexy he finds me.  He didn't really answer me, though.  He was groggy, having only just woken up, while I'd lain awake the past 6 hours or so, and basically he fell asleep holding me tightly.  Then we woke up and made love, but he never brought it up again.

As we both left for work after hurriedly dressing and eating cereal, he hugged and kissed me, saying, "See ya later.  Take care of yourself."  Maybe he was referring to today, with my insufferable fatigue.  Maybe it was a farewell for the future.  I won't call him again.

I could love that man forever.  I'm so sad but God I hope I did the right thing.

calm waters

I'd like to start off by saying that I'm happy.  I'm exploring ways to maintain inner peace and seek strength in that peace, as well as keep my motivation for future aspirations and potential.

After burying the dead end that resulted from my brief stint with the doctor, I actually did find my center again.  I was feeling cheerful, balanced, and most of all grateful, once again.

Three weeks ago, surprisingly coinciding with my previous post on this blog, I was sent a message by someone whom at first I ignored.  I couldn't be bothered with yet another boring beau.  After revisiting this man and giving him a chance, I wrote him back and we struck up a correspondence that led to meeting for a drink by the end of that week.  It has been two weeks and I see this fireman regularly, and hear from him every day.

The more I see him, the fonder I am of his personality, witticisms, integrity and intelligence.  He is a good man.  So far he has shown me that he genuinely likes me and has no interest in playing games.  He is so tall and handsome.  He has tattoos!  On top of all that, the man likes loves my cooking!  How can I possibly resist him?!

The fireman met my best friends yesterday, and they all loved each other.  It was very comfortable and friendly, and I made us all dinner.

At the risk of succumbing to any familiar patterns, I am still attempting to take a step back and simply appreciate the moment for what it is.  I am happy.  In the central courtyard of my spirit, I am tending to a very beautiful pool of water with a still, placid surface.  It is my responsibility to keep it undisturbed by the turmoil of outside occasions.  I also take the time to sit by my pool, to take comfort in its stillness.  This is my inner peace.