cathartic repression

I apologize to you all whom I have not written and kept well-informed lately. I am deeply interested in your lives, because I know many wonderful things are happening to many wonderful people at this time, but I am absolutely consumed with every tiny and grandiose task assigned to me for this and every day. In short, I work like a dog (although I do not understand the cliché, because every dog I know is very lazy).

As is very common when I am feeling psychological duress, the external symptoms such as an extremely messy environment begin to manifest. I see the untidiness and I do not feel compelled to cope with it. This has managed to turn into an intimidating amount of laundry, dishes, recycling, and general clutter to attend to. Additionally, I am supposed to have my alien registration card by now, which I have yet to pick up from across the city. When I get that I am supposed to set up a cell phone account, which will take a hefty deposit. I doubt that I have the immediate cash available for such a thing, and hesitate to leap at spending more money for something only vaguely beneficial for the time being. Most certainly, I have made friends, and the ability to contact them and be reached by them would probably break the spell of isolation and withdrawal that has stayed with me all this month.

But the idea of spending almost everything I have left on a foreigner's deposit for a cancer-causing bit of gadgetry that would most likely serve as an obsessive distraction from what I really see/think/feel in my new geography...leaves me ambivalent.

Then, every time I decide to set up a morning where I might venture out early into the cold to brave to hoards of students and commuters and miscellaneous to be there and back before work begins, another meeting or ever-popular kindergarten class is scheduled last-minute, and I take a deep breath and do it just like everybody else.

I am not complaining. I am just so overworked and tired and, save for this past weekend, so very lonely, it seems like writing a dozen individual letters and emails to people to update them on my sad state of affairs further adds to the attention I feed to those troubles which, honestly, becomes incredibly boring. Then, unfortunately, I am also discouraged by the emails I did manage to scrounge up brain matter for that still go unanswered. So then I fail to respond to the ones I do get, because I'm achy inside and out.

I went to bed awfully late last night (it was actually 4am). I woke up at a reasonable time to get ready for work, but I did not get enough sleep. My alarm clock was set on the radio, and every nine minutes I heard really bizarre pieces of traditional Korean music. If you've never heard it, the instruments are unique, vocals are guttural, and the overall ensemble is very minimalist. My nasty habit of hitting snooze a number of times left me with the strangest dream soundtrack in a while. Also, I am getting really good at waking up half an hour or so before my alarm sounds, which is mainly an internal freak-out mechanism in case my alarm doesn't work...I'm absolutely terrified to miss work. Not to mention, how would anybody get a hold of me, save for knocking on my door? The potential humiliation of it all wakes me up at about 9:15am every single morning. I do not have faith in alarm clocks, as I have been burned far too many times.

I did set up Skype, however, and that has been quite an investment! Now I have both a webcam and a headset, and can even look at Yoshi when I talk to Toby! He's so cute because he doesn't have the depth perception to see me on the screen, and is baffled by my voice coming out of the speakers. He looks happy, though, and so does Toby.

Tonight I think I will go to bed early, because I just totally deserve it and my neighbors upstairs, whose child is permitted to jump and bound across the apartment until the wee hours of the morning (seriously), can kiss my butt. First, though, I think I will take a lovely hot bath.

Firster still, I will remark at something I am quite proud of. After being here a month, and having consumed the inescapable countless grams of carbohydrates in that said time, I have still managed to drop weight! Considering the scenario, where I walk nearly everywhere, have no less than 24 flights of stairs to combat on a daily basis, and basically only eat what and when I feel like cooking, it does actually make sense. So, to tally it up, since last January, I believe I have lost something to the effect of 40lbs, give or take. I actually do put a little extracurricular exercise in my routine some days, a little cardio, a little yoga, some pilates, but sparsely and not as much as I would like. But I feel proud of myself, despite being surrounded by nothing but petite, slender women, all my curvy-girl clothes fit just fine, and I might venture that my cumbersome bust line does create a bit of reciprocal jealousy.

Oh, it's bath time.

a brief update

I finally made it to church this weekend, and the pastor and his family picked me up. They really are wonderful people, very kind and fun and loving. I met lots of other people there (that I met three weeks ago also) who were very warm and gracious. It turns out one man is going with his taekwondo class to the DMZ next Saturday, and I'm totally going with them!

Last night it began to snow, with was beautiful. This morning, it is sludge, grey and slippery.

I need to take a shower and get ready for work!

so it's 12 degrees...

...And it's really cold. Painfully, desperately cold. This kind of cold completely stamps out a fun Friday night. Where do you even go when any exposed facial skin burns from the cold?

It isn't even as cold as it's supposed to get in Korea. Will I die this winter? Or will I simply never learn anything about this new country all winter, because I chose life and to stay indoors? I believe I understand the phrase "abominable snowman" now...

I'm trying to break in a pair of dangerously high boot heels, too sexy and expensive not to be given a prime place in my wardrobe, too tight and tall not to practice first. I think at this rate they may be ready by early spring. I am not joking. Maybe somewhere in this Land of Small will be a cobbler who stretches shoes for giants.

Tonight directly after work I went to two outside vendors for dinner. The first place sold kimbap, steamed things in sticky white rice wrapped with seaweed and rolled and sliced. The second sells magical mystery pancake-donut patties filled with sugary divinity and sunflower seeds. Between both, I spent 3,000 won, less than $3 US, and ended up with a kimbap roll and four magic pancakes. I ate every bite and am still stuffed hours later.

Yay Korea! But they love their carbs!

It's amazing how fast an entire week goes by when you work your tail off. We have to plan our classes out at the beginning of each month, and that's rather tough when you have 19 separate classes and they're all doing different units of different English-learning books. And if they're doing the same book, it's a different unit. And I have to devote all of next week to a Spelling Bee, plus begin new units, and be conscious of the fact that four classes will be a week behind because there's no school on Christmas, and then there's a week-long break the next week! I was feeling so serene until today...comparatively. At least about work. The fact that we work very hard just means work goes by quickly. But being a real teacher (not just a sub like I'm used to) means course outlines and progress reports and test generating and scores and troublemakers and bloody noses and isolation in the bathroom stall between classes.

It's a great job, so I'm really not complaining at all. But this is one of those times (which I imagine happens monthly) where everything comes in a WHOOSH! and all the teachers tremble in its wake.

All of our planning periods lately are even eaten up by practicing for this Christmas program we're all supposed to participate in, dance three complicated choreographed dances to Christmas songs (and sing!), and brainstorm activities for a hundred kinder-aged children that combine English comprehension and Christmas that are both safe and significant enough to eat up 10 minutes! I also have to decorate my room with Christmas stuff, my assigned theme is Red, and I still have no idea how to hang things from the stucco-covered walls. Tape, Velcro, nails, hooks, putty; these things are all out of the question! Next Monday, when I really need my planning time, I have to have a meeting with the other foreign teachers and the head teacher and the program coordinator to discuss (and possibly defend) the importance of homework in this English program we're using to teach our students conversational English. My students, in particular, clearly suffer when they do not do their homework that I assign. They have extreme difficulty comprehending grammar questions on the test when they haven't written it down ever (because they also refuse to participate in class unless I lord over them). And now there's a possibility homework will be considered a superfluity!

It's cold, and I'm a little stressed out. I cannot, in fact, believe that it is Friday night. My fourth one here, in fact. That seems wrong. This hasn't been over three weeks, certainly...but it has. Oh, the pressure to catch up to the pace is remarkable.

Still I sleep so badly. I sit here, wearing gorgeous, painful heels, refusing sleep when I have nothing keeping me awake but stubbornness. I would practice walking around in these shoes, but it's both impolite to stamp all over your neighbors' heads in clunky-heeled boots, and to wear shoes in your house at all in Korea. I'm technically supposed to practice outside....

...Where the temperature has dropped now to 11 degrees.